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The Rules of Bathroom Etiquette

Using a public restroom can be a frightening experience because you never know what you will find.  Pestilence, bubonic plague, hemorrhagic fever; who knows what horrible disease is waiting for you courtesy of a public toilet.  No matter how gruesome these maladies may seem, nothing is as awful as having some idiot sit in the stall next to you when there is no one else in the restroom.  That’s why the importance of bathroom etiquette is something that everyone should learn.

  • Don’t sit next to anyone if you can help it.  Take for example a large department store restroom with numerous stalls.  When entering the restroom, look to see which stalls are unoccupied.  If all are empty, use the farthest stall from the door.  If someone is in that stall, use the one that is farthest away from them.  At best, try to keep at least one empty spot between you and the other customer.  Do you really want to listen to someone’s bodily functions?
  • Control your children.  I once was in a restroom when a three year old crawled under the stall wall into my area.  Talk about a surprise.
  • If you must sit next to someone, refrain from talking to them.  No one wants to have a conversation with you right then.
  • If the person next to you asks for toilet paper, politely hand it to them.
  • Finally, if you pee on the seat, wipe it off.

Now, these rules are for the women’s public restroom. While I have walked into the men’s restroom on accident a time or two, I try not to frequent them.  Even though I did try to pee standing up once in a frat house in a drunken haze,  I’m still not really sure what happens in the men’s zone, but I imagine that some of these rules still apply.  Let’s hope it’s not like the movies when one guy turns to talk to the dude next to him and pees all over his pants.  Not cool.

Home bathrooms require etiquette as well, just on a smaller scale.

  • If you put the seat up, put it down.  Also put the lid down as well, because it’s about as sanitary as washing your toothbrush in a petri dish every time you flush.
  • Warn someone if you did something stinky.  Don’t let them walk into toxic fumes and take the risk of being blown up if a match is lit.
  • Finally, if you use the last piece of toilet paper, replace it.  It doesn’t matter if it goes under or over, that is for strung out A-type personalities anyway,

I hope you will find this information usual and never sit next to me in a stall.  Trust me, I’ll know it’s you and you will suffer the revenge of the toilets.

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